confessions of a feminist
June 5, 2006 by thinking girl
well, I'm late, again. I'm sorry I wasn't able to post a new Feminism Friday piece this past week. I had a bit of a tough week, and my energy was way down and then blogger was acting up and I had to finish a paper and all I really wanted to do was drink wine and sleep it off, which helped enormously. Things are getting back on track this week, and I'm feeling more like posting, but I think I'll save a Fem Friday post for this Friday. While this post has a gendered bent to it, it's mostly about me and my struggle with reconciling my studies and my beliefs with this little thing called a career. My work is in conflict with my heart.So, here's my big confession: I work in the beauty industry. I have done so for the past 11 years. I am an aesthetician and makeup artist, and right now, I am working in a plastic surgery clinic. I hate it.
I actually like a lot about my job. I enjoy my coworkers, I have an easy atmosphere, and my bosses are kind and respect what I do. The problem I have is ideological. I am a feminist, and I am complicit in perpetuating the beauty myth. I am a puppet of patriarchy.
It all started out innocently enough. when I was 19, I decided to leave university because I hated it and instead took a course in aesthetics. It was, I thought at the time, a nice career where I would be helping people feel good about themselves, physically feel good, and help reduce stress. So, for years I worked in spas, and took a holistic approach to skin and body care. Then makeup called, and I loved the creativity I was finally able to display in my work. Finally, I realized that if I was to continue doing what I was doing, I would have to concentrate on the growing skin care market in order to make money and not ruin my body. (Pedicures and waxing are really hard on the body, you have no idea.) So, I learned advanced techniques in skin care for lightening sun damage and reducing ageing in the skin.
Which eventually led me to this job. I had wanted a job like this for as long as I could remember. Working in this clinic has been a dream in so many ways, because I am not stuck doing all the things I had grown to hate about aesthetics - pedicures, waxing, manicures. I only do skin care treatments now, and that is something I had wanted for a long time. And plus, the job pays really well. It has allowed me to work part-time and attend classses full-time, which is what I want. Sounds great, right? So what's the problem?
I am at the pinnacle of my participation in the patriarchal beauty machine. I work with patients who are - for the most part - succumbing to the pressures of patriarchy to be and look a certain way: young, thin, nubile, sexy. But these women CHOOSE to undergo plastic surgery, right? Well, when female sexuality has been commodified so extensively, and everywhere you turn you are being shown what the perfect female form is, and you don't have that kind of body or face, and your husband is having an affair with a younger thinner woman, or you find nobody looks you in the eye anymore, or your breasts disappear because you breastfed your children, or your stomach won't shrink down to the size it was pre-pregnancy no matter how many situps you do, and even Jennifer Aniston can't keep her husband from straying… is it a choice?
Plastic surgery is, in my view, coercive in most cases. Now, in some cases, it can be really wonderful, for reconstructing a missing breast post-mastectomy, or correcting genetic anomalies such as tuberous breasts, or reconstructing faces post-accident, or correcting disfigurements after burn trauma. This is not what I'm talking about, although the case can be made for a more radical acceptance of ALL kinds of bodies and faces. If society was more welcoming to these types of "problems" there would be no need for plastic surgery. However, what I'm most worried about is plastic surgery's role in perpetuating the oppression of women through femininity. Why should women have to change their bodies and faces through surgery just to live up to the patriarchal definition of "woman" or "feminine"? That seems really harsh to me, considering these are not small procedures: risk of infection, allergy to anesthesia, hemorrhaging, sepsis, scarring, permanent loss of sensation, capsular contracture (this is where the tissue contracts around a breast implant and squeezes it until it becomes hard - this is very painful), etc. are all real concerns.
It isn't women who should have to change. It is societal expectations for women to be and look a certain way that should have to change.
I find it hard most days to go into work. I struggle with it all the time, because I feel so hypocritical! Here I am reading, writing, studying, and advocating feminist theory, yet I am contributing to patriarchal femininity by working at this job. My biggest dilemma is that I can't afford to take a different job. I have bills that need to be paid, including tuition, and I just can't afford to take a different job. Because my skill set is very unique and specific, there's not that much transferrance of skills to a different type of job. I feel trapped. If I left this job and took a job working at a job that doesn't require much in terms of skill, I would have to work three times as many hours to make what I make now, which would leave me no room for studying. My job is making it possible for me to study what I am studying.
Anyway, I hate to be a complainer, but I am really kind of torn about this issue. I don't feel like I have much choice in staying at my job, and I can't possibly see a different way of looking at it so that it wouldn't make me feel so bad about contributing to the oppression of women. But, at least it's only one more year, and even though I'm colluding with patriarchy, it is enabling me to be doing this very thing: sitting at my computer, thinking and writing about feminist issues and how to make it better for women all over the world.
One thing about it. It’s a good way for you to experence & know what women go through to be ‘desirable’. I imagine your job helps your writting. Maybe you should think of it as research?
you are right the pressure is so great to do everything possible to stay young. Being in my mid-fortys is something I confront all the time.
My friends & I say we are becoming invisible to society. It’s awful how much stock (as A society)we put in our sexuality when we ARE young. It is not an easy thing to let go of.
What a shallow lot we are. It’s tragic really.
I appreciate your honesty in sharing your dilemna with us. Obviously it will help you understand some other Women and Non-Women who make “compromises” that they and others question.
You have chosen your Path - currently for how you now can best do what you feel is most important.
Remember both - that others must make similar choices and that things aren’t Quid Pro Quos - that some “compromises” are Too Much and not o.k.
It is hard! I’d guess that most of us who are much older than you have faced faintly similar compromises or choosing we don’t want to make the compromise over issues that seemed big to us at the time.
You are the Best Judge of What is Best for you now and in the Future!
Love and Respect Yourself! Feel the Pain and the Dilemna - and always follow your Heart and Soul in Where You go - and you’ll do the best you can and be as happy as you can be - given the difficult path.
Thanks again - for sharing with us!
geo
my $.02
the world is complicated. contradictions abound. one can go crazy trying to be “doctrinally pure” no matter what the doctrine is…things are rarely black and white…
embrace the beauty and complexity of this world - even the contradictions…
I had wanted, for some time, to ask you how you could reconcile your work with your studies. Guess you answered that one. I really understand how a job can become a moral/philosophical problem.
I agree with l>t, you could, for the time being, see it as a “know your enemy” kind of learning environment. Or find a clinic for men
But don’t try to “though it up” if it’s tearing you appart. Did that once, the only reason that I didn’t have a burn out is that I sprained my knee real bad (the kneecap was knocked to the side — sounds painfull, but it’s worse) and so had to miss work for weeks.
Jenn,
If you ask me, working where you do will only help improve what you’re learning in class. There’s a difference between theory and practice, after all.
As for the issue of choice, personally, I think women and men do choose to do this to themselves. There is societal influence, but I see feminism as not just what men do to women, but what women also do to themselves. That said, you can’t control what other people choose to do, you can only help them as best you can for as long as you’re a part of their decision/life. Isn’t it better that these patients are coming to you, with all that background (academic and professional), than somebody else?
Ultimately all that matters is why you work in a plastic surgeon’s clinic. There’s a big difference between doing it because you’re a vain person, and doing it because you want to help people. It’s not always superficial to want to improve your appearance, and it can go a long way towards someone mental well-being. Yes, quite often there will be clients who are not the noblest of causes, but that’s true in any industry, I think. Anyways, knowing you as I do, I don’t see it as that big of a contradiction, because I know that at least you’re thinking about this stuff. You’re the only aesthetician I know, but you’re the smartest! ;P
hey all,
thanks for the comments, and the support. I appreciate the different perspectives you all have brought to the table.
l>t and marc andre: this is kind of how I’ve been approaching it, like research. I have certainly learned the extent to which people are willing to go to achieve society’s expectations of them in terms of gender. The latest trend is labiaplasty, where “excess” or assymetrical labial tissue is removed to create a more perfect vulva. I can’t help but wonder how much sensation is lost, and if so, then who exactly is her vagina for? certainly not for her pleasure.
geo and mike: thanks for your words. you’re both right, compromise is certainly necessary to get through this life. This is definitely a big compromise for my ideals, but it won’t be for too much longer, and then I can use the knowledge I am gaining for better.
and Matthew: yes, I’m sure you’re right, it is better for these women to have an experience with me than with the other women out there in my industry who don’t have the same ideological background. At least I have respect for them beyond my own ego and beyond my own pocketbook. I know many in my industry who would sell clients sewage if they thought it would get them ahead. No ethics. and you’re right that appearance does affect one’s mental outlook, and how the rest of the world responds and interacts with you. IT’s not like presenting yourself well physically is a bad thing, it’s just the extreme ways women (and some men) are going about it that is questionable.
l>t - you’re right about ageing women becoming invisible. One of my patients told me she was getting a facelift because nobody ever looked at her anymore. She is 62, and the nicest lady I’ve ever met - and very beautiful.
I guess the most interesting thing I’ve learned about beauty after 11 years in this industry is that beauty is all about spirit, and nothing whatsoever about physical appearance.
I don’t feel like I have much choice in staying at my job, and I can’t possibly see a different way of looking at it so that it wouldn’t make me feel so bad about contributing to the oppression of women.
It seems to me that Thinking Girl is about standing up for greater freedom for women.
In my view, freedom depends on these two things:
1) the will and willfullness to expand one’s choices despite obstacles
2) the will and willfullness to adopt alternative ways of seeing and feeling about things in the face of moral pressures to the contrary
What portion of freedom is within our own power to seize?
that’s a big question, mister P. I like your idea of freedom, it has potential. It acknowledges that there actually ARE obstacles and moral pressures. What about those who are systematically oppressed - by this I mean that oppression is built into societal systems, including those taught to children about themselves, their social group, and their own personal identity? Can a person be truly FREE if these pressures exist?
In my study of free will, I came to the conclusion that free will is relative. I can only be as free as determinative forces permit. Some things are out of my power - I am not powerful enough to change gender oppression, for example; I must live within the system that pre-exists my birth and determines what I am able to do based on how much social power I have. I can be as willing and wilfull as I can possibly be in expanding the choices I have open to me and adopting alternative versions of looking at moral issues, but I still have to ultimately acknowledge that some things are out of my reach. I see this fact in itself as a psychological barrier to freedom, and experience deep moments of nihilism when faced with the truth about such issues as genocidal rape, girl-child sexual slavery, FGM, and pornography. I could choose to adopt a different way of looking at these issues, but the facts will still be there - along with the fact that I am not able to put an end to the domination of women. It’s hard to put a more positive spin on genocidal rape and other human rights violations against women. In that sense, my personal freedom depends on the experiences of other people; hence, my favourite quote: “I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.” (Audre Lorde)
does that help answer your question?
I like your definition of free will: “free as determinative forces permit”.
There are many ways of being free, and many ways of not being free.
My wife’s mother had a large dog named Max. When she wanted him to settle down, she put him in a cage he had used from the time he was a puppy. It was no more than 15 inches high, with no top, and had a perimeter of just a few inches wider than his girth. It used to amaze me that when he got in it, he never tried to get out. He was a huge dog. But it was as if it never occurred to him that he was quite big enough to effortlessly step right over the cage walls. I guess his perceptions were formed in puppyhood, and he did not have the capacity to challenge his own perceptions, so it never occurred to him that the cage needn’t have power over him.
Max lived a lack of freedom at one end of many-cornered spectrum–where freedom (or the lack of it) is primarily determined by perception, and the ability, or will, to change it.
At the diametrically opposed corner of the spectrum, freedom is primarily determined by the constraints of the laws of physics. If I fall off the roof of a tall building, I will likely have no choice but to fall to my death. There are often ways to work around the constraints of the laws of physics–we have planes, we have parachutes, etc.–but such achievements are not trivial, so the constraints on freedom imposed by the laws of physics are not mild ones at all.
In yet another corner of the spectrum, there is the whimsy of chance that so often overturns our attempts at freedom. A young person in a poor Latin American country struggles to save their money, and studies hard, planning to escape their harsh roots by going to a good school, but an ill wind of chance blows through his life, taking the lives of both his or her parents in a freak accident, making him or her responsible to care for their younger siblings, forever ending their plans for a better life.
And in yet another corner, there is society. Sometimes helping, but just as often–more often for some–oppressing the weak, stealing from the poor, cheating the blind, raining on flood victims, raping the vulnerable, and heaping guilt and obligations on those who should have no moral debt. Society even plays nasty tricks by causing one people to be be conspirators against another, even when they don’t mean to be. For the downtrodden, there is often no lifting their head from the pillow that is smothering them. Still, a few manage. And, over time, oppressors may switch roles, or become allies.
What you say is very true, Thinking Girl–we truly can only be as free as determinative forces permit. And there are many kinds of determinative forces. So, some things–many things–truly are out of our power. It is unlikely you or I can stop a whirlwind, nor can we stop society from being a serial oppressor. (Though our efforts are far from worthless.) There are many ways of having no freedom, and there are many ways of being free. In the face of all these determinative forces, it seems to me so vitally important that we seek to exercise whatever freedom we can in whichever corner we can find it. And that we teach each other to focus on using whatever freedom is within our power to use, and to believe in that freedom, and not to scorn what freedom we have, however tenuously held. It seems to me that it is only by learning to exercise it that we ever expand it.
This matters to me because I have a small daughter at home, and the question I am asking myself is, “How does one teach freedom?”–>
I’ve been thinking about this question for a few days now. I think the best you can do is never tell her there is something she can’t do; instead, tell her that the world isn’t always going to be easy for her and support her choices, but that she absolutely doesn’t have to follow “the rules”. I always remember wanting to take ballet classes as a child, and my dad told me I couldn’t because I was “too tall” (I translated this to “I’m too cheap”). But I wasn’t too tall to go to ballet class. Maybe I was never going to be a prima ballerina, but who cares? I jsut wanted to go to ballet class. But there and then, the idea that if I couldn’t be perfect I shouldn’t bother trying was born, and it has been a monkey on my back ever since. By the way, as an adult I took a beginner ballet class for grown-ups. Guess what my dad said? “You’re too tall.” As if I could ever, at the age of 24, become skilled enough to be a prima ballerina. But I didn’t WANT to be a prima ballerina - I jsut wanted to have fun and learn to be more graceful and do something I had always wanted to do. So, I did. And I loved it.
In any case, let your daughter try everything she wants to try - I know it’s expensive, but she won’t continue on with all of them forever. Let her learn what her true passions are, and what she’s good at, on her own. Then support her in every way possible, and never tell her she can’t do something, that it’s too hard, that she’s not right for it, that the world won’t let her. She’ll find some of those things out on her own, but it shouldn’t be from you. But do prepare her, and let her try. Even really bad mistakes are lessons, and life always goes on.–>
[...] Friday - beauty, gender, class, and race Jump to Comments So, as I confessed a while back, I work in the beauty industry. More specifically, I am an aesthetician and makeup [...]
This comment should not be taken as a stab or criticism, but I would like to express my puzzlement. I won’t pretend to know you as I obviously know extremely little, but from what I’ve read you seem to be a very opinionated strong woman who is adamantly opposed to the inequalities associated with patriarchy, yet at the same time you work one of the most contradictory jobs to that goal that I could possibly think of. On top of that you have been interested in becoming more graceful and learning ballet? I’m not denouncing either one of these practices, (although I’ll admit I personally tend to look down upon the fields of cosmetics and plastic surgery) and you are certainly entitled to do whatever it is you want to do, but aren’t these aspects of your life simply perpetuating the same problems that you so strongly speak out against? I realize that money is a serious issue in our society and that it may not be feasible for you to comfortably find another job.. but as you are obviously an intelligent woman I would urge you to look into the concept of the ‘path of least resistance’ if you are not already familiar with it.. as I think it is definitly one of the most salient topics that should be addressed when confronting issues such as feminism
Prophet - yeah, you hit the nail on the head. That was the entire point of the post. When I wrote this a year ago, I was between a rock and a hard place, and I felt utterly frustrated by my situation.
I chose my former career when I was 19. I went back to university when I was 28. I had spent the entire time in between looking for a way to make more money and stop doing services I didn’t enjoy doing. Just as I discovered feminist theory in a formal way, I got headhunted for my former job with a top plastic surgeon (I don’t work there anymore). It was everything I had been hoping for my entire career - just doing services I found interesting and didn’t damage my body for a premium wage.
I’m glad that I worked there, despite it being problematic for me. I learned a lot about the inner workings of a very patriarchal practice, and talked to a lot of women about why they wanted to undergo such treatments. I call it sleeping with the enemy - sometimes you end up learning more when you’re close and embedded within something than you would from outside it, as long as you maintain a critical distance, which is exactly what I did, considering I never once defended the plastic surgery industry.
Ultimately, working there allowed me to put myself through school so that I can change careers: in the fall I start law school.