I am so impatient. I hate to wait, for anything. As I write, I am waiting to register for my university classes for this fall and winter. For some silly and trivial reason, I was not permitted to register until today at precisely 9:00 a.m. There is probably a decent reason for this, but to me, whatever the reason, it is causing me to wait, and that is bad. Very bad.I often wonder about why I am the way I am. Why various segments of my psyche, my personality, manifest in the way that they do. This impatience, it's quite permanent – it's been part of my for as long as I can remember. I was an extremely impatient child, just a little terror of a kid when I did not get what I wanted at the precise moment the thought occurred to me that I wanted it. I am not good at delayed satisfaction. I want results yesterday. If I don't see results, or at least a path to results, I get bored and move on. I don't see much point in things like investing money, saving up for things… I can always think of a use for money right now, today. Which is, of course, why I am in debt up to my eyeballs… but that's beside the point.
I wonder if this impatience that I have so deeply ingrained is part of a deeper structure, a sense of rebellion, a dislike for authority. If there is one thing worse than waiting for something, it is being told that I can't do something in the way I want to, or not at all. I absolutely despise being told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. I like being able to do things the way I think is best; it allows for creative thought in some cases, and adaptation comes about for me as a matter of necessity meets ingenuity. I love to flex that big grey muscle in my skull, and find a new (and of course, better) way of doing things. Just because something has been done a certain way in the past doesn't mean that it is the only way or the best way to get the job done. I am all for finding new systems and procedures.
I guess I feel restricted when I am told in a paint-by-numbers kind of way how to go about a particular task. Limits just don't fit on me. I don't like to be boxed in by any one part of who I am: the fact that I am a woman, the fact that I am white, the fact that I am heterosexual, the fact that I am a student, the fact that I am a feminist, the fact that I am a musician, the fact that I am an aesthetician…. none of these fragments tells the whole story. I enjoy being a complex person with lots of interests and lots to offer. As Audre Lord said, "My fullest concentration of energy is available to me only when I integrate all the parts of who I am, openly, allowing power from particular sources of my living to flow back and forth freely through all my different selves, without the restriction of externally imposed definition." Don't fence me in. Don't put me in a box. Don't presume to tell me who I am.
and for god's sake, Don't make me wait!