Archive for August, 2005

Summer of Jenn!

What a wonderful summer I've been having! I have to say, getting fired from my job last March was one of the best things that could have happened to me in a lot of ways. It happened right at the time when school assignments were pressing in on my little head, and I don't know when I would have had time to do all the work if I had been working full time. It was great to be able to do well in the courses I was taking, and it might not have happened if I had been pressed at work as well. Then, in spite of being fired for absolutely no decent reason, I was able to collect EI, and so I wasn't completely destitute while I looked for another job. I did have to make some adjustments to my lifestyle of course…. but it's not so bad. I've been out of work for almost 6 months now, and I am so glad to be able to spend time with friends, and time working on my two biggest projects – my mind and my body. I've been taking good care of my health, getting lots of exercise and eating very well, and I've been reading lots and lots (3 books last week) and I was able to take a summer course. So all in all, the summer has been very good.

Now, I am preparing to go back to school. I've chosen all my classes – 9 philosophy classes!! I am very excited about some of them: ethics, philosophy of religion (a real pet of mine), contemporary theories of feminism, global justice, and a couple history of philosophy classes, both of which are modern era, one focussing on the Empiricists (Hume, Locke, Berkeley) and the Rationalists (Descartes – one of my faves, Spinoza, Leibnitz, Kant). I always seem to do well with learning the various theories philosophers have contributed, so those classes will be interesting. I'm looking forward to the discovery, what I call the "epiphany moments", where I truly understand a theory as easily as if it had been my own.

I am also preparing to return to work. I have a new job starting in the next couple of weeks, and I am really looking forward to it. It will be much more suited to my particular skills and preferences, and this is a really good thing.

I must admit, I am having mixed feelings about working again. On the one hand, I am the kind of person who is never bored. One of my favourite sayings is "Only boring people get bored," and I really do believe this to be true. I can entertain myself quite nicely, and I always find something to do, whether it involves errands or seeing other people, or whether it just involved me and a book or the TV. I'm not ever really at a loss for something to do. However, today, I was on the verge of boredom. I didn't exhaust my usual activities by any stretch, but I didn't really feel like doing most of them. I didn't want to read anymore. I didn't really want to watch TV. I didn't feel like surfing the net, or going for a walk, or going to the store, or doing chores, or doing anything. I felt a kind of ennui, and I found it rather alarming.

On the other hand, I really enjoy having my own schedule, and doing what I feel like doing, and not really having to be anywhere at any particular time. I like sleeping in a bit (I like this very much), and I like staying up late reading or watching TV. I think it might be hard to get back into a regular routine again. And there is so much to do at this new job; it's not quite like any other place I've worked before, and so it might take some getting used to. I'm not really nervous, but I am a little bit anxious about getting started. I think it might be hard to be motivated again to get up and go all the time. I think I will really like this job, much better than the last few I've had – definitely more than the last one, nothing could be as bad as that! – and I'm looking forward to all the things that go along with it, like having money again to pay my bills and tuition, but I am also apprehensive about working and going to school again. I will go from having complete freedom over my schedule to having no flexibility to speak of at all, and having to force myself into a very disciplined lifestyle again. I'm already kind of mourning the change. This summer has been a true summer of freedom for me – Summer of Jenn! – and I'm sad to see it come to an end.

I've been through so many changes in the past few years, and I feel like each phase deepens my self-knowledge so much, deepends my commitment to myself, to living with integrity and passion, and not compromising what I believe in and what I want for myself. This phase has taught me more than anything to trust that things are the way they're meant to be, good or bad, and that as long as I remain true to myself, I will be just fine. Things just have a way of working out in the end, when you believe that they will and that you deserve it.

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