I am being tortured through my dreams on an almost-nightly basis. I love dreams, I have very vivid dreams and I remember a lot of them. As a child, I could do amazing things in my dreams, like fly and become invisible at will. I used to dream about epic adventures. Most times when I dream, I am fully aware that I am dreaming, and sometimes I can control what happens. I always dream in colour, and I always see myself in my dreams, as if I am watching myself on video. This allows me a degree of consciousness, because I am aware of being the director behind the camera, if you will.
A couple of years ago, I went to a Jungian analyst who told me that Jungian theory said a lot about dreams. Of primary concern was the theory that every person in your dream is actually a part of you. In a lot of ways, I think this makes good sense. For example, I had this one recurring theme in my dream of a shadowy character who was chasing after me. Sometimes he – it was a man – wanted to take something away from me (in one dream, it was a package, in another, it was a baby). I was afraid of this man, and yet I could not escape him. I tried my best, I ran and hid, I drove far away, but he would always come up, as if he already knew where I was going and could beat me there every time. After some discussion, the analyst told me he thought I was struggling to integrate different parts of my own psyche: a part that was a bit dark, with the very surface part that was raised to be "good". The good part was struggling against the dark part, but both parts were me, and so the dark character could never be eliminated, but must be integrated. When I began to allow myself to feel emotions I normally would label as "negative", and expressed myself in more productive ways, the dreams stopped. Coincidence? maybe… but ever since then, I have accepted this theory.
So, as I said, I am being tortured through my dreams almost nightly. By… myself, on this theory! However, the dreams are all about the same person: I keep having dreams about my ex-boyfriend. This is a person I have been split from for 3.5 years, and I haven't physically seen him for more than a year. Except in my dreams every single bloody night! I have had these dreams on and off for a long time, but sporatically. But now it's every night! It started about two weeks ago. The circumstances of each dream vary in major ways, but the theme seems to be the same: I am still in love with him, and he has moved on. Most of these dreams centre on me trying to ruin and undermine his new relationship. In one of these dreams, I was actively and repeatedly trying to kill him and his dream-fiance (all of these attempts were unsuccessful)! It is tormenting me.
The thing is, I don't feel any love for this person anymore, save for the love I have for every member of the human race. I don't wish bad things for him, but I simply do not want anything to do with him any more. I am not in love with him. I would not want to be with him again. I would rather that I never run into him ever again. So, what are these dreams about?
I do have a theory about this. A couple weeks ago, I wrote about love being a fairy tale. Well, all my life, I have been a romantic, incurable. I always believed in true love, soul mates, all of that. When I met this person, I thought I had found all of that, and I loved this person as much as I could, and that love deepened over the five years we were together. My love was unselfish and generous, abundant. He loved me, too, but his capacity was not the same, and he couldn't match what I gave. When we broke up, I believed that was it for me: I had had my chance at love, and it was gone; that man was my soul mate, and I was doomed to a life that would not include love like that again. Imagine my distress! From that point on, I was cynical about love. I didn't believe it was going to happen to me again, and from the amount of pain I was going through, I didn't want to fall in love and be that vulnerable again.
I think that in my dreams, perhaps even in my consciousness, this person represents love, the part of me that is loving and romantic and still believes in soul mates and never-ending love. I think that in my dreams, this part of me is ready to move on, ready to begin again. And the conscious part of my psyche is scared by it, and is trying to prevent that from happening. It's safer to pass through life as a single. No one can hurt you if you don't let them.
So, that is my analysis. I wonder what my analyst would have said about my interpretation?!?! Perhaps if I was still going to visit with him, I would have arrived at this conclusion a bit sooner.
I won't say I'm really totally ready to begin looking for a new mate. But, I think perhaps I am becoming more open to the idea. I do miss it sometimes, being in love.