I started back to school at the end of last week. Because I am now taking the bus to Halifax daily rather than driving, I arrived about 20 minutes early for my first class (which is good, because usually when I drive, I leave too late and sort of think my car is magic and will get me there much faster than it really does, so I end up late for class most times). Since I was early, I decided to take a few minutes to myself, to get centred for the day. I found a nice little spot outside, and I began to think. It ended up being an epiphanous moment. Here's what I came up with:
It's kind of neat to discover myself here, now. If someone had asked a few years ago what I would expect to be doing at this point in my life, I would have given the usual answers: married, maybe kids, settled into a career, house, etc. I wouldn't have thought I would be single and unattached, or that I wouldn't have the slightest interest in motherhood. I wouldn't have guessed I would have made poor financial decisions that would have left me struggling to pay bills. I wouldn't have guessed I would be unemployed. I wouldn't have guessed I would be on the brink of leaving a 10 year long career. I wouldn't have guessed I would still be living in the same city. I wouldn't have guessed that I would have started and sold a moderately successful business. I wouldn't have thought I would be a student again, and loving the depth of insight it would bring me. It's so interesting to see the people who have come in and out of my life, and how those who have remained constant have also changed and developed. It's neat to find how my moral and religious beliefs have changed. I wouldn't have guessed that my life would follow a path that would turn back on itself.
It's interesting that I have never pushed myself in certain directions, either physically or intellectually. I am ruled more by my emotions that by my reason, despite being capable of reason and intellectual pursuits. Things happen in my mind mostly as a result of how things make me feel. I find this fascinating. If I had never experienced professional boredom, I may not have been led to return to school. If I had not been emotionally affected by world events such as 9/11 and the war on Iraq, I may not have been led to the political beliefs I hold. If I had not been negatively emotionally impacted by my former business partner, I might have stayed, and still be a business owner. If I had not been emotionally impacted by my experiences in the baptist church, I might still believe in god. My thought processes are almost entirely in response to or based on how I feel about things going on around me. How fascinating!
I am finding my own way, and in my own time. I am who I am, and I do what feels right to me. I am not to be rushed in this life. No one can push me or coerce me into being or doing certain things. Things happen within me in their own time. To truly learn the lessons I am presented with, to internalize them, they must be natural processes – natural to ME.
I'm more and more like my astrological sign all the time: the crab. Just like a crab, I need time and space to come out of my shell. Just like a crab, if you poke at me I will hide, and if you poke at me persistently enough, I'll snap off your fingers with my pinchers! Just like a crab, I am soft and tender under my shell, but you have to be willing to break through it to get to the good stuff. Just like a crab, I hide in the sand until trouble blows over. Just like a crab, I carry my home on my back and can be at home anywhere in the world. Just like a crab, I sidestep around obstacles in the most interesting ways. Just like a crab, I am a delicacy – if you can catch me!
I love the process I am undergoing, of learning more and more about who I am. Sometimes this involves finding out how others view me; sometimes it's more about finding new things about myself, on my own. Sometimes it's all about admitting things about myself, to myself and others. Sometimes, it's about finding things out about the world in which I live, and what hurts me and what makes me happy about that world. I am finding my way, each day, in my own way, in my own time. And that feels wonderful!